I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I was thinking about all of you with a very tender heart and warm and fuzzy thoughts :-) Sue, it sounds like you had the picture perfect day with the picture perfect ending and yes...... you do deserve it. Great Job! but you deserve it for just being you. I sent everyone a message from this sight but apparently noone got it. Hopefully I can connect sometime with you Sue and we can figure out what I did. I also wanted to reply to your blog and couldn't......UGH! HELP!!! LOL and to think I spent 15 years in Data Processing (back just a few years ago....LOL.....like when you were remembering the songs from the 70's as a little girl).
Take Care for now and Sweet Dreams.....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
This ones for you Jarron....welcome to my dark side
I certainly hope this does not scare anyone away. I know it certainly scared the you know what out of me.
Just as I wrote it in my journal....Here goes:
OH MY GOD!!! I just had an incredible emotional experience. I don't like it, it scared me and now THANK YOU GOD!!! it seems to be passing (this after a desperate prayer that seemed to come out of nowhere) I felt, just briefly (5 minutes or so, I think) like I went through a complete personality change. I felt as though every fiber of my being, every nook and cranny, all space inside me, everything.... took on a completely different perspective, outlook, thought process, demeanor, again everything. All the kind, selfless, sincere, trustworthy, sweet, caring, defeated traits were gone. I felt strong, powerful, selfish, vengeful, devious, knowing I will always win but most of all without remorse, guilt, any care or feeling for anyone. I'm not sure because it was fairly brief and I didn't really have the opportunity to experience every feeling and emotion from that perspective. I think those feelings were mainly toward those who have hurt me or caused me pain, but how incredibly intense and complete the feelings were. I never want to go back there, back to that, 'I can do and I can get anything I want at any cost ....of course to others, not me (in that attitude). That I actually believe I can. and take pleasure in getting what ever I want, especially if someone that hurt me has to suffer a little bit in the process. It truly felt like there was a loss of innocence. That struck me so hard and was so sad. It was ugly and I never want to go there again.
_____________________
Ok guys. A little bizarre I know but here's my thought. All my life I have lived with a heart fairly pure. I'm not saying I was perfect or always did what was right, boy did I do some doosies! But in my heart there was never any real hate, I was always very slow to anger, and never stayed mad. I never lived in judgement and basically lived my life in that question WWJD and willingly, joyfully and without challenge walked that path. I've strayed far and for the first time I think I really felt what it was like to be completely void in my heart of any connection with God's spirit in my heart.
I know I said all those good, sweet traits and also included defeated. I do not equate those traits as being week or as someone with those traits as a doormat or pushover. I truly believe that to be calm and not react harshley takes much more strength than to blow up or be selfish. Humble may have been a more appropriate word but I know right now I've felt very defeated so that is what came to mind because that was also gone.
A lot of the traits I said that replaced the kindness were not all bad. I have felt powerful and strong with the kinder traits but not for a long time. And they came back fully and completely and it was great except for the fact that this time they were coupled with the bad or negative traits. I think I really got an in depth insight on how maybe someone like Brian Klemmer was talking about as one of those successful jerks really feels like and thinks.
There is one valuable think I took away from this. Because the feelings and emotions were so crystal clear and real and all consuming, I believe I can see how some of those feelings can serve me and help me be who I truly am. With this experience and with the feelings being so distinct I believe I can keep the good without adopting the bad.
That all happened in a matter of moments. This has actually gone for scaring me to inspiring me. With the mending I need to do I know this won't happen overnight (even though this was just in moments). I know how quickly and completely it can change and I know the power if feel inside. I'm not looking for this to change in the speed of the turtle but I can be happy that I know it will......soon!
Your friend Deserving, Trusting, Strong, Forgiving Rhonda
Just as I wrote it in my journal....Here goes:
OH MY GOD!!! I just had an incredible emotional experience. I don't like it, it scared me and now THANK YOU GOD!!! it seems to be passing (this after a desperate prayer that seemed to come out of nowhere) I felt, just briefly (5 minutes or so, I think) like I went through a complete personality change. I felt as though every fiber of my being, every nook and cranny, all space inside me, everything.... took on a completely different perspective, outlook, thought process, demeanor, again everything. All the kind, selfless, sincere, trustworthy, sweet, caring, defeated traits were gone. I felt strong, powerful, selfish, vengeful, devious, knowing I will always win but most of all without remorse, guilt, any care or feeling for anyone. I'm not sure because it was fairly brief and I didn't really have the opportunity to experience every feeling and emotion from that perspective. I think those feelings were mainly toward those who have hurt me or caused me pain, but how incredibly intense and complete the feelings were. I never want to go back there, back to that, 'I can do and I can get anything I want at any cost ....of course to others, not me (in that attitude). That I actually believe I can. and take pleasure in getting what ever I want, especially if someone that hurt me has to suffer a little bit in the process. It truly felt like there was a loss of innocence. That struck me so hard and was so sad. It was ugly and I never want to go there again.
_____________________
Ok guys. A little bizarre I know but here's my thought. All my life I have lived with a heart fairly pure. I'm not saying I was perfect or always did what was right, boy did I do some doosies! But in my heart there was never any real hate, I was always very slow to anger, and never stayed mad. I never lived in judgement and basically lived my life in that question WWJD and willingly, joyfully and without challenge walked that path. I've strayed far and for the first time I think I really felt what it was like to be completely void in my heart of any connection with God's spirit in my heart.
I know I said all those good, sweet traits and also included defeated. I do not equate those traits as being week or as someone with those traits as a doormat or pushover. I truly believe that to be calm and not react harshley takes much more strength than to blow up or be selfish. Humble may have been a more appropriate word but I know right now I've felt very defeated so that is what came to mind because that was also gone.
A lot of the traits I said that replaced the kindness were not all bad. I have felt powerful and strong with the kinder traits but not for a long time. And they came back fully and completely and it was great except for the fact that this time they were coupled with the bad or negative traits. I think I really got an in depth insight on how maybe someone like Brian Klemmer was talking about as one of those successful jerks really feels like and thinks.
There is one valuable think I took away from this. Because the feelings and emotions were so crystal clear and real and all consuming, I believe I can see how some of those feelings can serve me and help me be who I truly am. With this experience and with the feelings being so distinct I believe I can keep the good without adopting the bad.
That all happened in a matter of moments. This has actually gone for scaring me to inspiring me. With the mending I need to do I know this won't happen overnight (even though this was just in moments). I know how quickly and completely it can change and I know the power if feel inside. I'm not looking for this to change in the speed of the turtle but I can be happy that I know it will......soon!
Your friend Deserving, Trusting, Strong, Forgiving Rhonda
Sunday, February 22, 2009
TOO MUCH CAKE!
Again real quickly......
I feel the necessity (?) to share my horrendous diet over the past week. I think I need it to do this as a clear so that I can see it, admit it, and change it. I know it's been an emotional eating binge and I'm having a hard time coming down from it but I think I've started....YEAH!!! I think sharing this with you will help in letting go (I'm still working on letting God). Thank you Jarron for the spiritual talk the other night.
This covers the past 11 days: A full pan of thick (about 2"s) homemade cream cheese brownies LOADED with chocolate chips, a full pan of homemade cornbread (again about 2" thick and loaded with spices and onions), A whole unopened bag of the Gianatti's (?) chocolate squares with caramel inside, the rest of the triscuit crackers, the rest of some kind of weird crisp, a container of cottage cheese, about a pound and a half of green grapes, several spinach salads with dried cranberries, walnuts, tomatoes and broccoli, a big pot of steamed veggies with chicken (all gone) big pan of rice (some eaten with sugar, cinnamon and cream......reminded me of my childhood), made some chicken soup (actually still have some left) about 2 or 3 bottles (I think just 2) of wine, about 5 vodka martini's, a big bag of Flaming Hot Jays potato chips, a big bag of Salt and Vinegar Jays potato chips, a pound bag of M&M's, and a full bag of Garlic Bagel Chips. Oh, I forgot (I'm sure I forgot more too but....) a friend, downline made Lasagna and we had a working dinner with Lasagna, Cinnamon bread (they didn't know it was cinnamon when they got it....LOL) and salad.
Ewuuee.....I don't think I feel so good. I didn't leave the house hardly at all, unless I absolutely had to. I am now letting go of the anger, hurt and sadness and am ready to make a change. I know it won't happen all at once (and I know it could, I just haven't figured that out yet) but I do feel like I've turned a corner.
Right now, instead of seeing what else there is to eat. I'm going to go swimming. That's something I used to do as a kid all the time and loved it. I haven't done that in years but I don't think my body could take my workout right now but I need to do something. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't sink!
You guys are great and I hope I don't sound like I'm whining......really just clearing and moving on. Thanks for letting me bend your ear.
Love ya,
Deserving, Trusting, Strong, Forgiving Rhonda
I feel the necessity (?) to share my horrendous diet over the past week. I think I need it to do this as a clear so that I can see it, admit it, and change it. I know it's been an emotional eating binge and I'm having a hard time coming down from it but I think I've started....YEAH!!! I think sharing this with you will help in letting go (I'm still working on letting God). Thank you Jarron for the spiritual talk the other night.
This covers the past 11 days: A full pan of thick (about 2"s) homemade cream cheese brownies LOADED with chocolate chips, a full pan of homemade cornbread (again about 2" thick and loaded with spices and onions), A whole unopened bag of the Gianatti's (?) chocolate squares with caramel inside, the rest of the triscuit crackers, the rest of some kind of weird crisp, a container of cottage cheese, about a pound and a half of green grapes, several spinach salads with dried cranberries, walnuts, tomatoes and broccoli, a big pot of steamed veggies with chicken (all gone) big pan of rice (some eaten with sugar, cinnamon and cream......reminded me of my childhood), made some chicken soup (actually still have some left) about 2 or 3 bottles (I think just 2) of wine, about 5 vodka martini's, a big bag of Flaming Hot Jays potato chips, a big bag of Salt and Vinegar Jays potato chips, a pound bag of M&M's, and a full bag of Garlic Bagel Chips. Oh, I forgot (I'm sure I forgot more too but....) a friend, downline made Lasagna and we had a working dinner with Lasagna, Cinnamon bread (they didn't know it was cinnamon when they got it....LOL) and salad.
Ewuuee.....I don't think I feel so good. I didn't leave the house hardly at all, unless I absolutely had to. I am now letting go of the anger, hurt and sadness and am ready to make a change. I know it won't happen all at once (and I know it could, I just haven't figured that out yet) but I do feel like I've turned a corner.
Right now, instead of seeing what else there is to eat. I'm going to go swimming. That's something I used to do as a kid all the time and loved it. I haven't done that in years but I don't think my body could take my workout right now but I need to do something. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't sink!
You guys are great and I hope I don't sound like I'm whining......really just clearing and moving on. Thanks for letting me bend your ear.
Love ya,
Deserving, Trusting, Strong, Forgiving Rhonda
Friday, February 20, 2009
Hi My Lovelies,
You are the best and you mean sooooooo much. It's later than it should be and I have to be up very early in the morning and what I need to say would be much looooooonger than I have time for but I want you to know that I am committed in turning things around and living in integirty and doing what I say I'm going to do. I wanted to at least activate my blog and say that I'M ALIVE......HO HO HO HA HA HE HE......
I will do my part to support you all every way that you need and I can. This is just the beginning. Again...... you are the best of the best.....
Love,
Deserving, Trusting, Strong, Forgiving Rhonda :-)
You are the best and you mean sooooooo much. It's later than it should be and I have to be up very early in the morning and what I need to say would be much looooooonger than I have time for but I want you to know that I am committed in turning things around and living in integirty and doing what I say I'm going to do. I wanted to at least activate my blog and say that I'M ALIVE......HO HO HO HA HA HE HE......
I will do my part to support you all every way that you need and I can. This is just the beginning. Again...... you are the best of the best.....
Love,
Deserving, Trusting, Strong, Forgiving Rhonda :-)
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