I certainly hope this does not scare anyone away. I know it certainly scared the you know what out of me.
Just as I wrote it in my journal....Here goes:
OH MY GOD!!! I just had an incredible emotional experience. I don't like it, it scared me and now THANK YOU GOD!!! it seems to be passing (this after a desperate prayer that seemed to come out of nowhere) I felt, just briefly (5 minutes or so, I think) like I went through a complete personality change. I felt as though every fiber of my being, every nook and cranny, all space inside me, everything.... took on a completely different perspective, outlook, thought process, demeanor, again everything. All the kind, selfless, sincere, trustworthy, sweet, caring, defeated traits were gone. I felt strong, powerful, selfish, vengeful, devious, knowing I will always win but most of all without remorse, guilt, any care or feeling for anyone. I'm not sure because it was fairly brief and I didn't really have the opportunity to experience every feeling and emotion from that perspective. I think those feelings were mainly toward those who have hurt me or caused me pain, but how incredibly intense and complete the feelings were. I never want to go back there, back to that, 'I can do and I can get anything I want at any cost ....of course to others, not me (in that attitude). That I actually believe I can. and take pleasure in getting what ever I want, especially if someone that hurt me has to suffer a little bit in the process. It truly felt like there was a loss of innocence. That struck me so hard and was so sad. It was ugly and I never want to go there again.
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Ok guys. A little bizarre I know but here's my thought. All my life I have lived with a heart fairly pure. I'm not saying I was perfect or always did what was right, boy did I do some doosies! But in my heart there was never any real hate, I was always very slow to anger, and never stayed mad. I never lived in judgement and basically lived my life in that question WWJD and willingly, joyfully and without challenge walked that path. I've strayed far and for the first time I think I really felt what it was like to be completely void in my heart of any connection with God's spirit in my heart.
I know I said all those good, sweet traits and also included defeated. I do not equate those traits as being week or as someone with those traits as a doormat or pushover. I truly believe that to be calm and not react harshley takes much more strength than to blow up or be selfish. Humble may have been a more appropriate word but I know right now I've felt very defeated so that is what came to mind because that was also gone.
A lot of the traits I said that replaced the kindness were not all bad. I have felt powerful and strong with the kinder traits but not for a long time. And they came back fully and completely and it was great except for the fact that this time they were coupled with the bad or negative traits. I think I really got an in depth insight on how maybe someone like Brian Klemmer was talking about as one of those successful jerks really feels like and thinks.
There is one valuable think I took away from this. Because the feelings and emotions were so crystal clear and real and all consuming, I believe I can see how some of those feelings can serve me and help me be who I truly am. With this experience and with the feelings being so distinct I believe I can keep the good without adopting the bad.
That all happened in a matter of moments. This has actually gone for scaring me to inspiring me. With the mending I need to do I know this won't happen overnight (even though this was just in moments). I know how quickly and completely it can change and I know the power if feel inside. I'm not looking for this to change in the speed of the turtle but I can be happy that I know it will......soon!
Your friend Deserving, Trusting, Strong, Forgiving Rhonda
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Rhonda!! THANK YOU. My experience of you right now is open, honest, present, vulnerable, trusting, contributing, whole, powerful, graceful, and with me.
ReplyDelete"Gone from scaring me to inspiring me..." that power that you've got in your heart is in that, and maybe welled up to grab your attention. You can be trusted to use the feelings within all of that for good.
Love you so much, and am so glad you came out to play.
Rhonda,
ReplyDeleteHAving negative thoughts is a test from GOD. I believe he wants you to understand what some people go through and what is possible for every human being. Being "bad" can sneak up on people and every time it does, it doesn't mean you are bad, it just means you have a choice. You Rhonda are an amazingly good person because you always CHOOSE GOOD.
Now that you understand that power of those feelings, and how strong they can be, you have a better understanding of those that do give in to the feelings of negative power. Maybe you are supposed to be learning and understanding this so that you can help others who have chosen poorly.
Do not think of it at all that you are bad. Remember that GOD is always testing you, and baby, YOU PASSED the test with flying colours. You saw and felt how easy it would have been to jump into the DARK side, yet you chose LIGHT. You chose PEACE and you chose GOOD.
Now that tells me that you are a truly amazing woman. Thru all your struggles, you CHOSE WISELY, and not many people do.
Way to go Rhonda.
I love you Jackie.....thanks for giving me a perspective I didn't think of. Your the best!
ReplyDeleteWOW..... Thank you too Sue. I never imagined being so honest about something that didn't seem so great at the time could turn out to be such a blessing. You and Jackie bot have really enlightened me on the true blessings that ear mark this experience. I am sooooo blessed to have you in my life. Love ya!
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